My Why

Motherhood is hard. So hard.

I had no idea how hard it would be.

Me, my husband John, and our no-sleep baby Henry.

That picture to the right? That’s us with our firstborn son, Henry, at only about four-weeks old. I had no clue what I was in for. I had read the books, the blogs, the tips, and taken all the classes. I was prepared for motherhood.

We also lived thousands of miles from any sort of support system in El Paso, TX (and not really by choice, mind you. The Army made that call for us). My husband, a soldier, worked long hours and often left us for weeks at a time in the early months of parenthood for training exercises, preparing to deploy. I spent many long nights and even more long days alone with this small, colicky child who never slept. He didn't nap in his crib, he didn't nap in my arms, he didn't nap nursing, and he didn't nap in the car seat, the swing, or a carrier. That child never, ever napped. He did give us one reasonable stretch of rest from about 8 pm to midnight most nights, but then would spend the rest of the wee hours crying. Do you know what calmed that child? The vacuum cleaner. So, I spent many dark 3 o'clock hours with the vacuum running, bouncing a child latched to my chest, and not sleeping. I counted the minutes until my coffee pot, set to brew automatically at 6 am, would start percolating.

We were isolated, and I had nobody to ask for help. I was afraid to admit to my husband, my sister, my mom, my mother-in-law, or my new Army friends just how hard it was. I was drowning. I fell deep into what I now know was postpartum depression. The days were long. Henry cried. I cried. We cried. John came home and our colicky, exhausted babe cried in the swing while we inhaled a meal and returned to bouncing him. This went on for months until I started looking for answers.

Henry and I (Warren at only maybe 6-weeks gestation in my tummy!) saying our “see ya laters” to Daddy.

I stumbled into some information about sleep training and sleep coaching online. We didn’t hire out, but went the DIY route. It was hard. Henry cried. I cried. We cried. It was harder than it needed to be, and I learned a lot of lessons I would carry forward raising our future sons. Nonetheless, Henry finally slept, and I was quickly open to the possibility of a second pregnancy.

Henry was only nine-months old when Warren was conceived, just as John was preparing to spend nine months in Kuwait. I truly cannot imagine plunging headlong into a deployment, pregnant, and caring for a baby that didn't sleep independently and predictably. While no military spouse enjoys being separated from their soldier, I wholeheartedly believe that I was able to thrive (or, nearly thrive. Do Oreos and cereal for dinner every single night count as thriving?) because Henry went to sleep every evening and took consistent naps. I was able to take naps during my first trimester with Warren. I got a full night of sleep most nights. I woke up before Henry did to chat with John across the world and try to keep our communication and marriage up. Those months dragged on, but he came home in plenty of time to be there for the birth of our middle son.

Sometime during those months, however, I started to dwell on this whole sleep business. John can tell you better than anyone, I missed work. I missed my old job teaching. I missed earning a paycheck. I missed talking to adults. I missed having something to keep me occupied outside of the kids. I missed being a professional. He can also tell you that I had become intensely passionate about infant sleep and supporting other mothers through what can easily be the most difficult time in our lives. Often, I found myself casually advising friends and acquaintances with sleep information and suggestions. I had read a bit about sleep consulting online. Why shouldn't I make it official and pursue a professional certification in something I feel so strongly about? It began with sleep and quickly progress to include potty training. Mother Together will soon include parenting coaching (a natural progression, as that same little Henry is now five and has given us a run for our money with his little personality and behavioral quirks!)

So, there you are. My why. Mother Together was born of my own very normal, natural motherhood journey. It has been hard, and I wish I had known how to reach out to an impartial, non-judgmental support to help guide me through those early days.

It is so hard to be a mother today. We are bombarded from every side by tips and tricks and advice telling us to how to be the “best” mother and expected to “do it all.” There are dozens of competing philosophies telling you not to mess up your children. The pressure and judgement is overwhelming.

There is no such thing as a “best” or “perfect” mother, but there are a million ways to be a good mother. If getting some support to help you all sleep better, to potty train, or to parent more deliberately will help you be a better mother than you were yesterday, then I am here to provide the personalized, one-to-one help you need.

I hope you’ll continue to follow or more sleep, potty training, and parenting, with a more-than-healthy dose of chaos and fun as we Mother Together.