If I have learned anything at all, it is that our babies are not programmable sleep machines. Even as a sleep consultant and mother, I cannot with 100% accuracy and perfection nail my children’s sleep every single night. I come pretty darn close, but kids are great at throwing curve balls.

This is why I just don’t believe that a rigid routine is appropriate for a baby under four months of age, and even at that age it should still have flexibility. For one, your baby’s circadian rhythm is still in the developing stages and secondly, postpartum anxiety is real enough without adding schedules and extra things mom must manage. Mom’s job in the first few weeks is to see that baby is fed, loved, rested, and to survive.

That said, here are some concrete real things you can do right from the start to promote baby’s best sleep without obsessing over the clock or ever allowing your little babe to cry.

1) White noise

Right from the get-go, white noise is invaluable. For these teeny tiny ones, it simulates the sounds of the womb and can be such a comfort during baby’s first weeks on the outside. You’ll hear me say it over and over, but white noise is a tool to keep using for as long as you want. I use it as an adult, my older kids still have a machine in their room, and my baby does too. I like this one by Lectrofan for its variety of sounds and range of volume control, as well as its proven durability and customer service.

2) Swaddling

I’ll say this a million times, but even if your baby doesn’t seem to like the swaddle, do it anyway. If your baby cries while being swaddled, it means they don’t like getting swaddled, but it doesn’t mean they won’t like it once they are in there and you apply some of the other Five S’s (perhaps a post of it’s own for another day. For now, you can read about them from the source.

3) Correct day and night confusion

Most babies are born with days and nights mixed up and one of your first jobs to help sort that out so that baby’s circadian rhythm will help them sleep at night and spend more time awake during the days. You just spent nine months rocking your baby to sleep with your activity during the day and probably noticed that he got busy and active right when you laid down at night. Getting days and nights corrected is going to be one of your first priorities if you want to sleep at night. This is another reason you need to occasionally wake a napping baby (see numbers 4 and 5). Daytime should be kept bright, noisy, and active. Nights should be quiet, dimly lit, and calming.

4) Establish a relaxed “Eat, Play, Sleep” pattern to your baby’s day

Try out a loose “Eat, Play, Sleep” schedule. When I say schedule, I don’t mean you only feed every three hours or that there won’t be plenty of times your baby wakes, eats, and falls right back to sleep in those first few weeks. It happens. Newborn sleep is erratic and unpredictable. That said, you will most definitely have to wake a sleeping baby once in a while if you want to sleep at night. Facts is facts. Keeping a flexible, loose routine of feeding baby when he wakes from naps, playing or other activities while awake, and then putting him back down to sleep (not feeding to sleep!) will lay the groundwork for a childhood of good sleep.

5) Limit daytime sleep

This might be a controversial opinion, but wake your baby if he naps for two hours. Your mother-in-law will probably balk and say never to wake a sleeping baby, but I promise- wake the baby after two hours. Babies spend far more time sleeping than they spend awake as newborns, but if you let too much of that rest happen during the day, your baby is going to balance that sleep out by spending time wakeful at night. Do yourselves a favor and wake that baby and limit naps to 5 hours a day total.

6) Put baby down…

Sometimes. Snuggle that baby, but put him down once in a while. Put him in a swing, put him in his crib while he is awake to look around his room, put him on an activity mat, or any safe baby space. Just give him a chance to experience the world beyond your arms. You don’t have to leave him there long, and certainly not while he is sad. Just give him the chance to develop independence a little at a time.

7) Try, try, try to put baby down awake for sleep.

Try it. Your little one doesn’t need to fall asleep every time, you just have to try. Newborns can usually only handle being awake for about 45-60 minutes before they need another nap, so you’ll have lots of opportunities to try. When it is just about nap time, swaddle that baby up, and put him down in a safe sleeping space. He might lay there, looking around bewildered, or he might grunt and squiggle. Try not to immediately scoop him up! If he isn’t crying, let him be. You would be shocked by how many babies will settle down and go to sleep if given the opportunity to try!

8) Practice a “Wait, Listen, Respond” approach to nighttime waking

Don’t rush to feed baby the instant he wakes during the night. This one was hard for me to learn. We mothers have this notion that our babies should never, ever make a sound that isn’t happy. The second they grunt or whine, we grab them and put something in their mouths to stop the sound of sadness. Those sounds aren’t always indicators of sadness! Your baby doesn’t exactly have a very wide range of expressive noises yet and can’t wake up and say, “[yawn], is it still the middle of the night? Should I keep sleeping?” No, they grunt and make those adorable little newborn whining sounds and we grab them to feed them to make it stop.

Try to give your baby a minute or two to work it out. Sometimes they will wiggle and squiggle and fuss and go right back to sleep! The more often you make this a habit from the very start, the more likely you are to see longer stretches of sleep.

If those little grunting fussy sounds graduate to some adorable newborn cries, grab that baby and soothe and feed and love on him to get him back to sleep.

9) Always refer back to your pediatrician with feeding and wellness questions

It is my job to support parents but never, ever to give medical advice. Always follow your pediatrician’s guidance. I 100% support feeding baby on-demand rather than on a schedule (as I always have with my own nurslings), and you should not deliberately reduce feeding without first consulting your child’s physician regarding diet and weight gain. Seeing if your baby will go back to sleep after some grunting is not the same as cutting out a feed. If he goes right back to sleep, he wasn’t hungry- so you aren’t withholding anything. If you ever have concerns about sleep, feeding, mental health, or your baby’s development, I can help you consult the appropriate experts. Working with your team, we can work on baby’s best sleep together.

If you can at least practice these steps, you will be on your way to developing healthy and independent sleep habits without obsessing about schedules and timing or ever leaving your baby to cry. If you reach 3-4 months and sleep just isn’t taking shape, reach out to me and check out my customized sleep plans here.